100分！ 帮忙看下雅思作文有几分啊 语法思路结构用词方面的...4

发布网友 发布时间：2024-03-07 11:09

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热心网友 时间：2024-07-24 16:37

一如楼上那位朋友，我并非教育界人士，所以无从给你评分，但可以替你修改文章的错漏，和添加一些论点。

Nowadays, many(应改为a lot of) people in some(应要用many) countries witness(已是事实，应要用完成式have witnessed) the increase of average weight which cause (had caused) the fall of their health levels. Therefore, it is significant (用important较适当) for those people to find some effective solutions.There are several reasons for this challenging situation. This essay will summarise some potential causes and put (this essay是第三位单数要用: puts) forward possible solutions.

There are three main potential reasons for it. Firstly, modern lifestyle has changed people's eating habits. Along with the improvement of living standard and with a higher income, now people can affiord to eat much more and often eating out, so many are having far too much junk food, which would signifiicantly increase their boby fat. Hence it is rather harmful to health.

Secondly, for the modern working environment and conditions, which many people have spent far too much time sitting in the (their) office(offices) and facing (加with the) computers all day (加long) without enough outdoor activities, causing negative on their health and weight control due to lack of exercises.

Finally, many people are not willing to go to hospital when facing (with) some health problems. Simply they are not paying enough attention to their health. They just ignore the symptoms of potentially might be fatal illnesses because they think it is inconvenient and troublesome going to the hospital for what seem small matters all the time. Eventually, it is too late when their illnesses had become full blown.

As far as I am concerned, some effective actions could be taken. It is a good choice to eat more vegetables and fruits which keeps (a) balanced diet. Take my mother for example: she had lost twenty kilograms after having (a) balanced diet. Moreover，taking more sports is helpful for losing weight. For instance,after my father deciding(has decided) to ride bicycle every morning, he had lose(lost) some weight and his body condition (has) improved a lot. Another good suggestion is that go to hospital regularly to check your body condition(conditions). An example from my grandfather that because he kept checking their (his) body condition every month, it is(was) lucky for him to find cancer in time and made successful action to remove it. So checking your body condition regularly cannot be ignored.

This essay explains some reasons and points out some good solutions to reduce weight and improve health. Although those suggestions are efficient, the most important is to persist until succeed.

已替你加长了中段，括弧内的是更正或是附加，希望会对你有帮助。

热心网友 时间：2024-07-24 16:35

对于打分我不是考官不太擅长，但作为一个刚屠鸭成功的资深烤鸭可以给你一点建议，

你的文章乍从结构和内容来看也都还是大学四六级作文的样子，我也是这样过来的（一把辛酸泪T T），单单罗列几个理由然后再罗列几个自己的想法是不够的，你可以只列出两个原因但是最好每个原因一段，要展开分析，至少要能写3、4句，能举点例子更好，我们中国的学生就是太喜欢写说教式的文章，从小就是写假大空的议论文（这个真心不怪我们）= =

比如你第一个原因eating too much junk food，你可以写因为垃圾食品种类越来越多且通常味道和外观都做得很诱人the fast food looks pretty attractive both in taste and appearance，引得许多孩子喜欢吃垃圾食品，导致他们从小就体重超标，这个现象已经越来越普遍common phenomenon，是人们平均体重超标的一个潜在原因potential reason。然后下面As far as I am concerned的时候，就可以对应地写parents should be to blame for this，应该提供balanced diet for child，encourage them to do outdoor activities等等，还有广告商也有责任as well as the advertisements，应该限制垃圾食品在TV上的广告播出，并宣传over weight会带来的问题

总之用词不一定要多复杂但思路很重要，你可以去YY语音上听一听老师的公开课（人人雅思哥有推荐的频道），对拓宽思路很有帮助，雅思大作文观点很重要

一点拙见，希望能有所帮助，加油！~

热心网友 时间：2024-07-24 16:36

如果你想的到一个比较客观的分数，建议去专业的英语培训网站，像小马过河，那里的老师会给你比较客观准确的分数，而且通过测试会了解你的雅思各方面水平，希望能够帮助到你，谢谢！

热心网友 时间：2024-07-24 16:33

你这是中文式英文，再练练吧，祝你在不久的未来成功。

热心网友 时间：2024-07-24 16:36

5.5 分 我以前是雅思口语考官 但是写作也受过培训 有不少地方有语法错误 单复数 表达不畅等等