作文批改,答案满意再加分

发布网友 发布时间：2022-04-23 02:08

我来回答

共5个回答

热心网友 时间：2023-07-12 03:33

Death, the predetermined destiny of human beings is unavoidable—probably this is the most unpleasant truth that we discover in the process of searching for the meaning of life. Even if one if fortunate enough to live a life free of accidents or illness- the most common killers; the power of the nature in irreversible-one day you will realize wrinkles have become part of your face, followed by loose muscles, slowed motion, after that your cells age, they work slower and less efficiently, until one day, your body mechanism is no longer able to function on its own, and they rest- forever. It is not a comfort thought to picture the aging process, yet it is inevitable.

However, we are still luckier- modern society has progressed to the stage that we can expect and we do live a longer and happy life than our ancestors. Statistics has shown that the life expectancy has increased in all part of the world; at the same time, the fatality rate falls [please include citation]. We are more blessed as we do not have to go out to the forests for the big games in order to get some limited protein, neither do we have to fight with the beasts for food; we have access to shelter, clean water, and better medical care. Just think about it, 60 years ago, people can only watch their loved ones suffering from malaria till death; today, it can be treated with a few injections- in some places, people can get immunization of malaria.

Such changes do not only make us live longer, but also enable us to live a higher quality life. It seems unimaginable to think about trembling in the chilling winter wind when we do not have central heating system; it sounds pretty much like a crazy idea to spend a summer without air conditioner. We are spoiled by such comfort? Maybe, but can you deny that without those comfort, we might not be able to survive the chill winters or burring summers? At least, we won’t survive so easily like we do today.

Another factor that contributes to the increased life span is that the increasing focuses on a balanced nutrition. People in the pharmacy and academic study the best combination of nutrition structure for human beings. We are not only concerned about how to feed our stomach, but how to eat the food that is best for our body. Advisors in nutrition, recipe books introcing a balances diet are all readily available nowadays.

How can we forget the role played by the modern medicine? As mentioned above, in the past, a minor cut would cause a life- without the knowledge of antibiotics, infections used to be the No.1 killer in war time. Flu, asthma and etc, there too many examples that we could only watch patients die in the past, but we can easily save their life today with a few colorful pills. Forget about Harry Potter and whatever the potions that witches in 18th century would tell you, we have more powerful tools. However, we cannot deny that modern medicine isn’t all that almighty in all senses. New diseases evolve in an amazing speed that challenge our health. AIDS, SARS took thousands of lives- but we are better equipped in fighting against them. How long did it take for people to figure out the use of antibiotics? Hundreds of years. What about AIDS? In the past twenty years, people has slowly figured out how to control it, and a cure will not be far behind. What about SARS? Within months, we are able to get an effective medicine that cures the disease. Enough said, modern medicine not only protected us against the invasion of diseases- to delay the inevitable destiny of life, it also allowed us to fight to live longer in a more efficient way.

In conclusion, the fact we live longer is a joint effort by the scientists, by the medical workers, most importantly, by ourselves- for the strong will of live, and live better. Hail to the technology, hail to the modern medicine, hail to everyone trying to live longer, live better. Say goodbye to Thomas Malthus.

========================

I changed your essay pretty much. Hope you don't mind. =)

热心网友 时间：2023-07-12 03:34

更改的地方加上括号(), 删除的地方以 ( / ) 标明

(It) is one of the most unpleasant (fact) that none of us ( / ) can (cheat death). Even if a man is able to avoid (fatal) accidents and (illnesses) ( / ), the process of (aging) will still inevitably (send) him to the graveyard. However, it is lucky for us to live in this (twenty-first century) because modern civilization has (evolved) into such a stage ( / ) that we can expect to live longer than our ancestors. Although not all ( / ) modern men can enjoy longer ( lifespan) than their forefathers, the average has indeed increased greatly because of less competition in (natural environment ), yet better food supply, nutrition advice, and medical care.

( One might argue that today’s comfort spoils us. ) We might tend to forget the harsh condition in the early days when there was no air conditioner in the burning summers nor gas in the freezing winters. However, (we can't deny) that we no longer (threatened by) the heat and chill that had killed a lot of human beings in the old days.

( / ) As people start to think of possible ways to (live longer), attention is brought on the subject of health food. In fact, there (is) a profession specialized in studying the best meal plans for men under different physical and mental conditions. ( / ) it is fairly easy for any (one ) to get these scientific nutrition advice. We are eating ( healthily ) in the wish to live longer.

While ( / ) improved living conditions and ( healthy diet ) help us to slow the process of ( aging ), modern medical ( facilities ) (take good care of us when we have ) accidents and diseases. Primitive medical care was unable to save lives (even though its just) a deep cut or flue. Modern medical services are just about mighty. We have saved countless lives from car accidents, fighting, gun shooting, etc. and conquered ( plenty ) diseases that used to be fatal in the past. Although there are still diseases like cancer and AIDS that cannot be cured, it is always possible ( survived a little longer ) using modern (treament).

( All in all ), people in the ( twenty-first century ) (have longer life expectancy) than people who lived in bygone times, ( and we give the credit to ) modern civilization, especially modern medicine.

正如一般作文批改的做法，我尽量保留整体轮廓及行文论据，集中纠正语法/文法与遣词造句错误，文章中心思想明晰，论据层次分明，读者很容易跟随作者的意思。
文中长句很多，亦是英语达到较高水平的男生较容易犯的毛病。应谨记"Clear and concise"是大原则，长句子往往会使读者"迷失"。
另外，可参考Thesarus来增加词会，这样读来更有趣味。

热心网友 时间：2023-07-12 03:34

作文应该尽量避免罗嗦和重复,有些句子,如果能用简短的表达,就不要太冗长. 例如,第一个句子,你想表达的意思,其实众人皆知.你就可以表达为 It is known to us all, we human beings,no one can escape from the death. 还有,作文的句子要注意前后的衔接,应尽量避免中文式.例如,你要表达现代人,不要用 modern men, 那个句子可以写成Although not all of us will enjoy the longer life....后面的the average...这一小句,我搞不明白你想表达什么意思.increaded? 跟自然的对抗,介词要用againest. 这里最好用跟自然的和谐会比较好，因为现在都是倡导和谐社会,和自然,虽然是征服,但要是能和谐共处,岂不是更好。
还有，现在是二十一世纪了，不是二十世纪.(作文要想拿高分,一定要避免小失误,这样会造成大错)

整体的水平还是很不错的,希望好好加油喔!Nothing is impossible!

热心网友 时间：2023-07-12 03:35

It is one of the most unpleasant discoveries that none of us human beings can escape from the fate of death at some point(in our lives). Even if a man is able to avoid accidents and illness(from) taking away his life, the process of ageing will still inevitably lead him to the graveyard. However, it is lucky for us to live in this twentieth century, because modern civilization has grown into such a stage so that we can expect to live longer than our ancestors. Although not all of modern men can enjoy longer lifetime than their forefathers’, the average has indeed incresed greatly, because of less competition with Nature, yet better food supply, nutrition advice, and medical care.

We might tend to forget the harsh condition in the early days, when there was no air conditioner in the burning summers nor gas in the freezing winters. One might argue that today’s comfort spoils us, but there’s no denying that we no longer fear the heat and chill that had killed a lot of human beings in the old days.

Moreover, as people start to think of possible ways to extend their lives, attention is brought on the subject of healthy food. In fact, there has been a profession specialized in studying the best meal plans for men under different physical and mental conditions, and it is fairly easy for any common people to get these scientific nutrition advice. We are eating more and more healthy (for) the wish to live longer.

While both improved living conditions and healthy food advice help us to (expand our lifetime), modern medical facilities prevent us from accidents and diseases. Primitive medical care was unable to save lives even from a deep cut or flue, while modern medical services are just about mighty. We have saved countless lives from car accidents, fighting, gun shooting, etc. and conquered a number of diseases that used to be fatal in the past. Although there are still diseases like cancer and AIDS that cannot be cured, it is always possible to make the remaining time a little longer using modern therapy.

To sum up, people in the twentieth century can expect to live longer than people who lived in bygone times, (because of )modern civilization, especially modern medicine.

热心网友 时间：2023-07-12 03:35

句子都太长了，先断成短句！！！！作文切忌长句！！
而且长句更容易错！！